INSOMNIA again

I never wanna go through this again.News reports mumbled on the background. A few minutes later, an unfamiliar pop music in a foreign language interupted the monotonous mumbo-jumbo. The different sounds from the changing of tv channels has become a feeble attempt of self-distraction from the depressing thoughts that have been creeping into my head. I haven't been in this terrible state for the longest time, and even faint thoughts of it happening again during my most jovial times sent chills to my bones. But it is happening to me now.

I resorted to watching a vcd movie with my bro just now just to keep my mind occupied. Even as a comedy, it at best, faintly lifted the corners of mouth for a few much-treasured seconds of temporary light moments before being suppressed by the looming melancholy again. It was only 11.30pm when it ended, and still a long way to go before the night ends. I was getting desperate. How did I spend my normal nights? I dare not even resort to listening to anything right now, for I fear to interpret the songs and relate them to my situation. Especially a handful of them I religiously listened to lately. It has become so damn antagonising.

That is certainly not the last of my worries, for that's just a start to the things I must get used to. When you give meaning to her existence and her sole purpose was derived from that single source or reason, you wonder how you'll be able to face and handle her again in a different light without destroying her in the process of changing your mindset. Fight or flight. But where can you flee to when she's everywhere? I can't think of anything without her in between.

The zero-hour of its impact was surprisingly easier to get through. But the subsequent period is where the damage really starts to seep in. That's when you start to feel what hit you, and how badly it has got you. Gosh, I dare not think of what's ahead.

Now it's 1.25am and I've managed to drag writing this entry till this time. I've managed to keep my mind on doing something logical, like correcting my grammar, deciding what words to use, re-reading the passage again and again, etc...all in the name of distraction and passing of time. Soon it'll be lights out when I can finally let the bottled feelings and emotions all gush out. I do hope I'll be able to address these consequences as directly as I could, in terms of tears and puffy eyes...than to lose my mind in these frightening and depressive thoughts through sleeplessness. And one of the worst thing is to let your emotions rule you when you least expected it, and not being able to control it.

I'd need all the help I can get.